Rant Page:
2.6.2007
Matt works on our promotional materials
We at Jobu Inc. have been having difficulty finding new venues to play. In turn, we’ve decided to tweak our band biography, in hopes that it will attract club owners. However, we’re not terribly smart, so we’ve had to steal some bio ideas from other cover-bands. We noticed another recurring theme in many of these bands’ write-ups and we decided to focus on this theme in our revised bio.
Please let us now how you like it:
Jobu is an energetic, New Jersey cover-band that gives 100% at every performance. While most bands rarely give more than 85%, Jobu guarantees they will give 100%, if not more! It took many years (and many lineup changes) for Jobu to reach the 100% level; in fact, for a couple of years, the band had to struggle through quite a few sub-75% performances.
For example, on February 23rd in 2002, at the After Dark Saloon, Dave gave 81%, Mark gave 92%, Dan gave 37%, Scott gave 68.32%, Jeff gave 77%, Matt gave .8%, and The NOG gave 59%, which means Jobu only gave 59.3028571428571428571%, that night. Shameful, indeed.
However, thanks to years of diligent practice and online math courses, Jobu has gradually and successfully increased their percentage, and now boasts at least 100% give-itude at every show!! For example, just last week at their Beach Party at the Harp’n Bard, Rob gave 100%, Jeff gave 100%, Mark gave 100%, Scott gave 100%, Mike gave 100%, and Matt gave 113%, giving them an excellent 102.166666666666666666666666667% for the evening!! Hazzah!
So, if you’re tired of cover-bands who give less than 100%, do yourself a favor and have Jobu play at your club, bar, wedding, Bris, or Arbor Day Party. We guarantee you’ll be
100% satisfied!
1.27.2006
8.30.2006
Matt works out a new rehearsal space
Ok. We're way too loud for the baby. So, this Friday, we'll have to dig a tunnel underneath the basement, and build a new rehearsal space. Mike, you're in charge of buttresses. Scott, you're in charge of pith helmets and cotton balls. Jeff, you're in charge of dynamite. Rob – you're in charge of canaries and extension cords. Mark, you're in charge of distracting your wife, so she doesn't catch on to our wily scheme.
What we'll do is dig 90 feet below the basement. I'm expecting that to take 20-25 minutes, if Mike is quick with the buttresses. Next, we need to clear out a 40 x 50 x 11 room... this is your responsibility, Jeff. To insulate the room, we need to then cover the walls, ceiling, and floor with the cotton balls. Now, SMX, you have to keep a careful eye on the canaries, to make sure they don't die from cotton poisoning. We'll also need a very long extension cord so that we'll have juice down there... you again, Swap Meat. At this point we'll be ready to bring our instruments down. Mike, as the new guy, you're in charge of bringing all the instruments down, in one trip.
Don't forget, though, we're still going to be too loud, so we're gonna need super-quiet instruments. This is where I come in. I'll be building us all new instruments out of toothpicks, styrofoam, and shaving cream. Likewise, our voices would still be too loud at normal singing level, so we'll need to cover our mouths and noses with duct tape, as well as tie plastic bags around our heads.
That's it. Make sure to get to Mark's on time, on Friday.
So, to briefly summarize:
We're way too loud for the baby. So, this Friday, we'll have to dig a tunnel underneath the basement, and build a new rehearsal space. Mike, you're in charge of buttresses. Scott, you're in charge of pith helmets and cotton balls. Jeff, you're in charge of dynamite. Rob – you're in charge of canaries and extension cords. Mark, you're in charge of distracting your wife, so she doesn't catch on to our wily scheme.
What we'll do is dig 90 feet below the basement. I'm expecting that to take 20-25 minutes, if Mike is quick with the buttresses. Next, we need to clear out a 40 x 50 x 11 room... this is your responsibility, Jeff. To insulate the room, we need to then cover the walls, ceiling, and floor with the cotton balls. Now, SMX, you have to keep a careful eye on the canaries, to make sure they don't die from cotton poisoning. We'll also need a very long extension cord so that we'll have juice down there... you again, Swap Meat. At this point we'll be ready to bring our instruments down. Mike, as the new guy, you're in charge of bringing all the instruments down, in one trip.
Don't forget, though, we're still going to be too loud, so we're gonna need super-quiet instruments. This is where I come in. I'll be building us all new instruments out of toothpicks, styrofoam, and shaving cream. Likewise, our voices would still be too loud at normal singing level, so we'll need to cover our mouths and noses with duct tape, as well as tie plastic bags around our heads.
1.27.2006
Matt Helps Scott with MS Powerpoint
Scott emailed the rest of us one day sincerely asking for any help we could offer with MS PowerPoint.
Matt, the helpful lad he always is, offered this example presentation to get Scott started.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Matthew Jaworski
To: Scott Carlson
Cc: Jobu
Scott - I did your Powerpoint presentation for you. It's attached.
lawyers.pps
<76K>
~ Matt
1.23.2006
Don't You Hate People?
If you don't, then you haven't met enough.
-
8.23.2005
Guest Star Rant: Scotty is Pissed at Coca-Cola
For about a year now, CocaCola has been running a "look under the cap and win" stuff contest. They advertise that one-in-twelve wins free diet coke. I really don't care if I win, as parting with the buck and a quarter really
doesnt bother me too much. But nevertheless, in the past year, I have drank probably on average 1.5 cokes per day. That is 547 diet cokes, and 547 opportunities to win. To date, I have won zero times. Zero. It defies every
principle of mathematics and statistics. There is only one possiblity -- my luck is THAT bad. I mean horrible. Statistically, I should be the proud owner of 45 brand new diet cokes. Instead, I have approximately 547 worthless caps (or distant a distant memory of each).
I figure it is possible that the law of averages could right itself in other ways. For example, if the value of 45 diet cokes is $52, and I won some other prize, say, a year's supply of shower tile cleaner that is valued at $52, wouldn't all be right with the world? Would the mathematical forces that create balance in the universe (as well as gravity) once again be made whole? I would hope so. Otherwise, clearly, the earth's orbit around the sun will be disturbed, causing extra long and hot summers (which means extended periods of the network re-runs that accompany the summer months).
Now, CocaCola is a powerful company. Not only are they the world's leading beverage supplier, but they also own movie studios, theme parks, etc. Its stock has outperformed the market by over double since the company's inception. But notwithstanding the market presence of this multinational conglomerate, I do not believe the company has the wherewithal to change the orbit of the earth. Thus, it is clear that I have an outstanding balance due to me of $52, which will increase at approximately $.16/day if I continue to consume CocaCola beverages at my current pace. I can't wait to find out how the mathematical powers that be will settle up, or if I'll need to send a heavy-hitting guy with a pipe to collect. - Scott
3.29.2005
The Media Stinks
Recently, I've been watching a lot of news on TV and reading a lot of newspapers, and I must say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with the U.S. media. Of course, I realize how a myriad of political and economic factors can influence how a news organization handles a story. Nevertheless, I feel the U.S. media has really crossed the line with how it covers Destro.
Now, most of you women (and some of you "men") might not know who Destro is. He is the Chief Weapons Supplier to the COBRA organization (you know, the evil conglomerate that battles G.I. Joe for world domination). For his detailed bio (and pictures of him looking badass) please click here.
As you can see, Destro rawks.
I'm sick and tired of these media dirtbags putting forth the notion that Destro isn't the coolest person in the world. Why just last night I was perusing cnn.com and came across the article, "Tom Sizemore In, Destro Out." If we're at the point where people feel that Tom Sizemore is cooler than Destro, then the terrorists have won.
With that, I'd like to counter this anti-Destro propaganda with some inspirational haiku. I encourage you to write your own, in support of this wonderful man. Destro, if you're reading this, keep the faith brother...
Destro - you are so
Friggin' cool. Your big head is
Oh so silvery.
Destro - that Lady
Armada is not as hot
As the Baronness.
Destro - your real name
Is James McCullen Destro
XXIV. Rawk!
Don't even try to
Tell me that Tom Sizemore is
Cooler than Destro.
3.9.2005
~~Title~~
The title of every Tom Petty song:
"My Girl, This Town, I'm High"
9.2.2004
Ahh, summer
As the summer winds down, we reflect on what a lovely season it was. The weather was glorious!! Everywhere you looked, flowers were bursting with their fragrant bouquets and dazzling colors!! Lovers walked, hand in hand, on the beach, as the sand squished in between their toes!!
To celebrate this splendid time of year, I would like to share some haiku with you. A haiku is a form of traditional Japanese poetry. Each haiku contains only three lines; the first line contains 5 syllables, the second has 7 syllables, and the third has 5 syllables.
Historically, haiku were written to celebrate nature – it is meditative poetry that valorizes season, color, weather, and natural beauty. It’s almost like a photograph of a specific moment of nature.
With that, here are my haiku. I hope they inspire you to write your own!
Sitting at my job
Thinking, where did it go wrong?
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Who was the genius
That invented cubicles?
God, I hate my job.
What a lovely day!
Too bad there are no windows
In this friggin place.
If my boss gives me
Anymore lip, he’s getting
My boot in his throat.
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10.20.2003
Asparagus...
Hello all -
Let me preface this little vignette by saying asparagus is the best
vegetable. Asparagus has a wonderful, piquant taste. Aesthetically, asparagus is
the coolest looking vegetable out there - it's way cooler looking than
cauliflower. Likewise, asparagus is a very flexible vegetable, as it can nicely
compliment almost any dish. But we all know why asaparagus is the greatest
vegetable . . .
Asparagus makes your pee smell weird.
Personally, I don't know why there is not more dialog among humanity
regarding what asparagus does to pee. There are very few topics that are too
taboo to discuss - sex, politics, religion - everything is fair game, nowadays.
Your coworker has no problem telling you about his recent sexual conquest, but
you'll never hear him say, "Dude, last night I housed the biggest plate of
asparagus and my pee smells so awesome today." When, as a society, will we
finally feel comofortable enough to talk about our asparagus-pee? If we can't
tell our friends and families that we love saddling up to the toilet after
eating a steaming heep of asapragus, and shudder in anticipation for that tangy
smell to hit our olfactory glands, then the terrorists have truly won.
But, anyhoo, I digress . . .
Here's the meat of my story. A
couple of days ago, I walked into the restroom at my job. I walked up to the
urinal and unleashed. But before the first drop hit the water, that unmistakable
asparagus-pee scent hit my nose. I WAS SMELLING ANOTHER MAN'S ASPARAGUS-PEE!!!!!
That's right, the gentleman who used the urinal prior to me, must have had
himself a whopping helping of asparagus the night before (or for breakfast) and
his asparagus-pee scent was still lingering. I had to rush out and use the
second floor bathroom to do my business. What a nightmare. I wouldn't wish such
an experience on my worst enemy. Not even J Lo.
The experience was so intense, I had to write a haiku:
Asparagus. You
bring happiness and joy to
my heart and my pee.
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5.8.2003
J. Lo is Evil...
I'd like to take this opportunity to expose the giant lump of
concentrated evil that is Jennifer Lopez. I truly do not understand how this hag got to
be so rediculously famous. She doesn't deserve to be dropkicked, much less
to be idolized by millions of sheep-like fools. Her movies suck. Her music
sucks. Her clothing line sucks. Her dumpy patoot sucks. What is wrong with
people?!!
And what's with her obsession with "being real?" Who is she fooling?
Why does she want people to think that she's not the vapid, self-absorbed,
over-paid, skank that she is? I'd respect her a million times more if she'd
just admit she's a meglamaniacal diva and move on. She once said about
herself, "I have the stardom glow." Holy crap, are you flippin kidding
me?!! How all-consuming must your ego be to say something like that?
I don't get it. Her movies are so aweful. Snuff-film actors have better
resumes.
She makes me so mad I had to write a haiku:
Jennifer Lopez -
I have a bag full of SARS
With your name on it.
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